Fat girl syndrome

So, you decide you want to lose weight.  You start eating better and working out, your pants start getting looser, your friends start complementing you on how great you look, you start feeling confident in yourself, you buy the next size down...  and so on and so forth.  You get stuck once in a while and hit a plateau and all of a sudden you feel huge.  You look in the mirror and it's like all the hard work you've done, and all the pounds you've lost are back.... only they aren't really back.  The scale stays the same, your clothes are smaller than they were before but it's like you've gotten used to your new body.  The complements stop and you're just you.

Does this ring true for anyone or is it just me?  I went from a size XL to Med shirts, and a size 18 to a 10 in jeans.  I can't shop at Lane Bryant anymore but I'm still the same shape.  I still have a big butt, big thighs, and big boobs so when I look in the mirror, I look the same as I always have.  I said I wanted to be a size 10 because I like my curves, but now that I'm here, I want to be even smaller.  Will I ever be happy with myself?  I mean, I think I look good, don't get me wrong... I feel confident and I think my clothes look great on me.  But I think they could look even better.  Why do I feel that way?

My mom got me a gift card to Kohl's for Christmas so I went shopping yesterday for new clothes.  I've always hated shopping for clothes so I tend to avoid it.  I'm happy with hand-me-downs... and I like shopping at thrift shops because I can go straight to the rack of jeans in my size and try on as many different brands and styles that I want in hopes one of them fits.  Yesterday I shopped the clearance rack for any shirt in a size medium.  They all look so small to me I think there's no way they're going to fit me but I toss them in my cart anyway.  Then I go search for Levi's because that's the brand of the one pair of jeans that currently fits me.  I grab 3 pairs in a size 10 long.  The waist looks so tiny.  There's no way these are going to fit.  I figure I must have just gotten really lucky with the pair I have on, and whoever owned them before me surely stretched them out.  Well, turns out every pair of jeans I try on fit like a glove, and one of the shirts was even too big.  I'm seriously baffled.  Why am I baffled?  I've worked so hard, and come so far!  I should be super proud of myself but I'm just in shock. 

So that's the fat girl syndrome.  Something in my brain still tells me I'm a fat girl.  I bought a new running hoodie a couple weeks ago and my BFF tells me I'm "swimming in it."  I said, "Oh that's because I bought an extra large."  She's like, "Why on earth would you buy an extra large?!"  "I don't know, workout clothes come tighter than other clothes.  I wanted to be comfy."  But then I check the tag and it says large.  "See!  And you're still swimming in it!"  Hmm...so I'm not an extra large, and apparently I'm not a large either.  It takes some getting used to I guess.  It's been years, it should kick in by now.

And in conclusion... just for fun... here's one of the shirts I bought yesterday (In a size medium).  Yes!!  ....

Week 3 Day 1 ~ Thoughts while running

Thoughts during my 30 minute run around my neighborhood today…

"Alright… ready… let's go.  Starting my new Garmin Forerunner 920… and my running mix on my iPod shuffle.  It's weird my phone is really just for emergencies and photos now.  Okay, let's try out this watch!  "Sit Athena." Okay, ta da!  It says to start.  RUN!

…..Ugh, the neighbor's dogs are outside.  I better run on the other side of the road so Athena doesn't try to dart over there.  Okay, we made it.  I wonder what happens to my watch when I stop at the intersection.  Ooh, it vibrates and knows I stopped!  How cool!  And now it vibrates again when I get going again.  Ugh.  Stupid dog.  I need to keep a good pace but I feel like I'm going so slow because I'm afraid she's going to run in front of me.  Wouldn't it suck if I fell and broke my leg or something and couldn't do the half marathon and couldn't go to Disneyland?!

….What the…?!  Stupid dog just crapped in the middle of the freaking road!!!  OMG.  Seriously?  My Garmin better stop while I pick up dog crap.  Ooh, it does!  Okay, now what do I do with this bag of poo?  Can I drop it in that person's trash can on the street?  Is this horrible of me?  It's gotta be better than just leaving it in the middle of the road, right?  Okay, we're off again.

….How long have I been running?  Only 6 minutes?!  I'm so out of shape!  I swear I've gone at least a mile by now.  I hate this.  My hip hurts.  This dog is driving me nuts.  Maybe I should run by myself next time. No, that wouldn't be fair, I got her so she could run with me.  Okay, I have to walk.  I'm dying.  No I can't walk!  I haven't even gone a mile yet!  Stupid headphones keep feeling like they're yanking out of my ears.  Let me see if I can pull them up out of my hoodie.  Ugh, now they're hitting me in the face with every step.  I need new headphones.  I wonder how much new headphones cost.  I hate this.  What am I doing out here?  I need to walk.

….I wonder which way I should go?  Two loops around the neighborhood should be about 30 minutes right?  I want to avoid that hill.  I'm not going to Eagle Landing Park.  I wouldn't make it back up.  Oh no!  There's a little hill coming up… I better walk.  Ugh what is wrong with me?!  I'm no where near the hill yet!  Why do I feel so defeated and give up before I even get there?  I can at least run until I GET to the hill.  I'm so discouraged.  Why am I doing this?  Heel stupid dog.

….My left foot feels numb.  I think my socks are too thick.  I think I need new socks.  Maybe I should buy those compression socks.  Aaaaahhhh!!!  Stupid headphones!  Stupid dog!  I'm so annoyed!  I'm so hot!  This base layer is too hot.  Today is too nice to wear the warmest base layer.  Why did I buy the warmest base layer?  This would have been nice on Saturday.  Today I'm too hot.  Should I take off my hoodie?  No, that would take too long and I'd have to take my headphones out of it.  Stupid headphones.  I really need new sporty headphones.  I wonder if the ones that go over your ears work well.  Why don't they make wireless headphones that don't use bluetooth?  Oh yeah, I need to take a selfie today for my blog.  I need to walk.  Ooh my watch says I'm done with my first mile.  13 minute pace.  Gotta go faster… but I want to walk!  I'll walk for a bit.

….Is that guy drinking a beer?  Did he really just get out of his car and walk up to his front door drinking a beer?  It's like 8am!  Who drinks beer at 8am?!  Wait… was he driving that car?  Did he just pull up?  Was he drinking a beer at 8am while driving?  Did he take his kids to school while having a beer for breakfast?  I sorta want a beer right now.  What am I doing?  I need to walk.  I don't want to do this 3 times a week for the next like… what… 18 weeks?!  I hate running…. gotta keep my pace up.  I'm so slow.  I'm so tired.  I really shouldn't have had a margarita last night.

…. What is this song?!  This is the most boring song ever.  Did I put this in my running mix?  This song sucks to run to.  It has no beat at all.  I need something more motivational right now.  Okay I have about 10 minutes left.  I guess I can cut this corner and head back to my house.  Heel stupid dog.  I would run so much faster without this dog.  She is freaking me the heck out.

….Stupid headphones.  This song is stupid too.  Maybe I should just take my headphones off.  Oh, there's another dog up there, Athena better not try to pull me over there.  Oh there's another runner.  I'll try to run really fast so I look really cool and then give him a smile and the "I'm an athlete too" nod.  "Good morning!"  Okay, 2 miles down.  Almost back home.  This watch is awesome.  I'm so hot.  I hate my headphones.  I need to take a pic of my watch for my blog.  I'll take my phone out and do it while running.  *click click click click*  There has to be something usable in there.

….Was that a needle on the ground?  My neighborhood isn't THAT ghetto is it?  I mean, there was that guy drinking a beer, but are there really people who are shooting up heroin on my street?  Should I go back and look and make sure that's what it was?  Should I report it to the police?  Maybe someone dropped an insulin needle.  That must be it.  There was that time my teacher at Emerson left her insulin needles in the bathroom when she got all loopy.  People with diabetes get loopy.  Someone probably dropped their needle.  I'm glad I don't have diabetes.  I'm glad I run.  I hate running.  OH THANK GOODNESS 30 minutes!  I'm done… and I timed it perfectly… right back in my driveway.  I really don't want to do that again on Thursday.  Why am I doing this?!"

Week 2 Day 3 ~ 4 miles!

BFF and I "ran" 4 miles on the Centennial Trail on Saturday.  Very flat stretch of paved trail.  2 miles in until BFF's Garmin beeped, and then 2 miles back.  I put "ran" in quotes because we did intervals.  We did my favorite HIIT It 11 minute mix on Rock My Run over and over.  We'd walk/run/walk/run.  I would have preferred to run more but BFF didn't start training like she was supposed to and I figured I wouldn't beat her up as much as I could have.  I'm also still trying to train my dog Athena to not dart in front of us and kill us. (My face almost hit the pavement once!)  I even allowed us to run the shorter walk portions to make it even easier.  (I know you're reading this!  You have two weeks lady!  I won't be so nice on our next run!  You better get to training!) 

So here's some little comics that BFF put on her blog ...(http://focusingonmyfeet.blogspot.com/2015/01/half-marathon-training.html)

So, here's us, all stoked to run for our half

 

 And here's my thought bubble...



 

... and her thought bubble.

 

 

Hold on.  She thinks I "really enjoy running"!?!?  Do people truly enjoy running?  Running sucks.  My back hurts, my plantarfasciitis in my left foot flares up, my hips hurt.... etc... etc... While I don't have the "can't breathe, gonna die.." feeling anymore since I've worked my ass off for so long, my cardio is pretty good now.  I'm definitely not the happy runner my BFF has drawn.  I do however, want to run faster.  Not because I enjoy running fast, but because I want this painful hell to be over as soon as humanly possible.  I also think it's really fun to try to beat my previous PR.  It makes my run a game and it makes it tolerable.  AND I really enjoy getting outside in the fresh air, and going for a run or a ride on my bike is wonderful for that.  BFF keeps saying she wants to run on a track but I love these nice wooded trails.  You can say hello to fellow runners and cyclists and the scenery is nice.  Like I've said in previous posts, the Pacific NW is truly beautiful. 

 

Here's an awesome quote I found on Pinterest that perfectly describes me...

 

 

 

 

I truly wish something would switch in my BFF's brain to make her feel the same way so I didn't have to literally drag her along.  Right now all she thinks about is losing weight and feels like she's stuck, and can't.  I wish she'd look around and appreciate what an amazing life we live, and the amazing things our bodies can do if you put your mind to it.  The weight comes off as a side effect when you take care of yourself. 

 

 

Me, Athena, and BFF after our 4 miles





Week 2 Day 2… and Happy New Year!

Well, I cheated again.  I was supposed to run for 30 minutes according to my half marathon schedule and I didn't.  But it's not like I decide not to run, and I sit on my butt and eat french fries.  I went for a 50 mile bike ride around Lake Washington.

My husband told me that he, BFF's husband, and neighbor wanted to start the year off right and go for a New Years Day ride.  It's really kind of bugging me lately that I feel like I'm not welcome to come anymore.  I decided last year that I was going to train for the STP with our without my husband… and it took me forever to talk him into doing it with me.  Now it's turned into his thing, or a thing he does with the guys, and I feel like I'm not invited.  Maybe it's because I started running with my BFF, and the guys don't really have any interest in that.  But just because I'm running, and I don't have any ambition to do any longer distance than the STP again, doesn't mean I don't want to be included in some rides.  My husband thinks I'm nuts and he said when he says he's going for a ride, or down to the basement to get on the trainer, that it's just implied that I'm invited.  He thinks it's crazy to think I'm not.

Well, after I made a big deal about it, and got a sitter, and wanted to come along… I started feeling really nervous about it.  I really hadn't been on a ride since Cycle the Wave in September (besides maybe two rides on the trainer.)  I'm always the slowest in the pack, but what if I was so slow and out of practice that I annoyed them?  Even BFF had concerns.  She said, "Well if you go with the boys, you'll have to remember you're going with the boys.  They want to get a good ride in."  I said, "Are you calling me a wuss?  You think I can't keep up with the boys?"  She said, "No but you know how the boys can get just as much as I do." Well, crap.  She's right.  I was hoping my cycling wife would come with me, and if I got tired, we could just bail out across the bridge, but she's in Wyoming with family still for the holidays.  I went back and forth about going, not going.  And finally decided, screw it, I'm going.  I'm the only one that has done this route before, and I can at least make sure these boys don't get lost!

Well, I'm happy to say that even though I haven't been on a ride in almost 4 months, that it was just like "riding a bike" and it was totally fine.  It was cold but I'm so much better prepared with gear than I was at the start of the season last year.  New jacket, wool socks, shoe covers, glove liners…etc.  I wasn't out of breath or anything, but my legs were definitely on fire.  It was a good burn though. It was sunny, the lake was gorgeous, and we even saw bald eagles soaring.  It was so fun to pass other cyclists and runners yelling "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" all day.  Reminded me how much I love the camaraderie.

I'm looking forward to a 4 mile run this Saturday with BFF.  The guys are going for a ride in the morning while we have the kiddos, and then it's our turn to run.

Here's some pics from our ride…

Before we took off.  You can see how thrilled and cold I look compared to these guys!

Icy patches.  Brr!  

Ice on the pavement, and frost in the grass.

Bathroom break at Coulon Beach Park

Lunch stop at Lunchbox Laboratory in Bellevue

 

Week 2 Day 1... cheating on the trainer.

I was supposed to run for 30 minutes yesterday but my husband wanted to get on his bike trainer last night after the kids went to bed, and I thought it would be more fun to get on my trainer in the basement with him and chat instead of going upstairs to run on my treadmill alone.  So, that's what I did.  It's probably cheating, but at least it's exercise.  I knew that the first 2 weeks of this half marathon schedule was going to be sorta hit and miss since it's the holidays, the kids are out of school, etc.  I'll get into a better routine starting this weekend.

So here's a photo of me, in my jeans, on my bike in the basement.  (Excuse the ugly basement floor.)  This is how I'm being as lazy as possible, but still exercising.  The only thing that would make it worse is if I was eating chocolate or something while peddling.  (Which I was not... but I did have a burger at Red Robin right before.)  I really should look into finding a cheap treadmill so I have one upstairs AND downstairs.  Wow... I have a problem, don't I?  :)  Onward to 2015!

Week 1 Day 3 ~ New running buddy

My half marathon training schedule said to run for 2 miles last weekend.  No big deal.  Well, I got a new running buddy... a 4 year old German Shepherd named Athena.  Our run was a much bigger deal than I thought it was going to be.  She isn't very well trained to run.  Although she's super fast and never looked like she was exerting any energy at all... she pulls on her leash, and darts in front of me every once in a while.  I really thought I was going to trip over her and break my neck!  She tried chasing a squirrel once, she stopped abruptly to drink out of puddles, and she wanted to bark and play with other dogs.  It was a challenge to keep her focused so my pace was pretty slow.  13.28 average I think.  And it was the first time I decided to try using Strava instead of Mapmyride because I'm in the Vanderkitten VIP group on there.  These other kittens are going to think I'm super slow! 

At the end of our two miles, Athena really started to heel and stay with me.  So I think she'll get it, it'll just take more practice.  She'll be awesome motivation since she's super fast and she's having a blast!  ... and she can drag me up hills if need be.  :) 

Week 1 Day 2 ~ No excuses (Elliptical on Christmas)

I was supposed to run for 30 minutes on Christmas... 20 degrees in the ice and snow... in Bend Oregon.  Yeah, that wasn't happening.  There might be some hardcore runners out there that think that would be no big deal, but me?  Nah.  However, I jumped on my brother-in-law's elliptical and did 30 minutes on there instead.  My kiddo even joined me for a few minutes. 

I downloaded a workout calendar app a few weeks ago and put in all my required runs for my half marathon training until May.  It's really satisfying to check off the day as complete.  I'm determined to check off every single one of them. 

So, all in all, I did well on our little Christmas vacation.  I ate healthy (Besides eating my weight in chocolate covered coconut almonds) and stayed active.  We even took the kids to a big bouncy place and I jumped and crawled through obstacle courses with the kids for hours.  So nice to have the energy to do that!